Retrospectively speaking...

So for starters I'm pretty sure I just invented a new word. Anyway...I was looking back over my blog and realized that about 90% of it is very negative. Now I realize when I started it that the whole point of it was giving me a forum to vent when I needed it. But I should also use it to talk about the good things in my life. I definitely believe that things happen for a reason but I usually don't realize it until several days, weeks, months even years later. Every bad thing that has happened in my life (with the exception of my grandpa passing away) has eventually led to something good. For example...if Scott had never broken up with me I wouldn't have realized that I deserved better...and then I wouldn't have started dating Peter, who although he was a great guy was not the guy for me. So I would have never moved out East and missed the midwest and wanted to move back. I would never have ended up in Cincinnati and eventually met Glenn. God has a funny plan for all of us and sometimes (ok for me almost all of the time) we just aren't patient enough to see that plan. I could cut out almost all of the stress in my life if I just realized that no matter what I do...he has a plan for me. I have really been trying lately to believe in that plan and not stress out about things that I have no control over. I get stressed out over stuff at work that I have no control over. I get stressed out about trying to have a baby which I really have very little control over. I am a worry wart!!! When something happens my brain automatically thinks of the worst case scenario. If Glenn doesn't text me when he gets to work and then I can't reach him at his desk I assume he got in an accident. That has never happened and I have no reason to think that it will happen but I still think it. So...my goal for the next few weeks is to really work on seeing the glass half full instead of half empty. Then when it's overflowing I can really celebrate!!!!!

Up and Down...

This time it's the emotional rollercoaster...not the physical one. For those that don't know (all three people who probably read this) Glenn and I are trying to get pregnant. Because of this I have had to stop taking my anti-depressants. For someone who's never had to deal with depression you cannot truly appreciate how greatly this affects your life. Besides the physical withdrawl symptoms that I experienced for the first month and a half, the emotional twists and turns are awful. My husband, God love him, is trying so hard to understand what it is I go through. And I don't help the situation because I'm not very good about talking about it. Mostly because I find it very hard to explain what it is that is going on with me. How do you explain to someone that you are in a bad mood for absolutely no reason? And half the time I know that what little thing is upsetting me at that second is not what I'm really upset about and that were I on my meds...it probably wouldn't even be a blip on the screen.

I got home from dinner with a couple of my co-workers last night and Glenn asked if I cared if he went downstairs and played some playstion for an hour. Of course not...go for it. Well one hour turned into about 2 1/2. Which is fine in reality. I do the same thing when I go down to the basement to catch up on shows. Well Kona was being extra kranky yesterday and I of course was up here by myself having to deal with him.

That's when I started to realize what my life will be like for the next 6 months once softball starts. Glenn will be playing every Sunday, Tues and Wed nights plus occassional weekend tournaments. Which is great...it's something that he loves and for the most part I love watching him. However...what it also means is that Kona becomes my full responsibility on those nights and I can't make any of my own plans because it's not fair to him. I got upset about the fact that Glenn hadn't asked my opinion about playing as much as he does and that's what was really bothering me.

But that revelation really only led to another one and this is the one that is frustrating me and upsetting me the most. Glenn's natural first reaction to my complaint is to find something for me to get involved in for me!!!!! Well it's not as easy as it sounds. My group of friends here is very small and they are spread out over several cities. Even within Cincinnati I don't really live close to any of my friends. And when I say my friends I mean pre-Glenn. Not that I don't consider Glenn's friends to be my friends, but it's a different relationship. So anyway...it basically comes down to I have nothing like his softball. I don't have that weekly outlet and I don't know what I would want it to be. I've had several invites to do things but they usually either involve drinking or excessive physical activity that my back is just not ready for.

But tonight I told him how I felt and I apologized for not doing it sooner. The reason in the past that I would have just kept it bottled up was because then I didn't have to deal with everyone's assessment of what I should do. And although nothing was necessarily "solved" out of our conversation...it did make me feel better.

So...my goal for now is to find something that I could get involved with on a non-softball night so that Glenn has to be the stay-at-home dad and see if Kona scratches him as bad as he does me!!!

Mother Nature Sucks

No...I'm not referring to the Mother Nature responsible for all the snow on the ground and the freezing temperatures. I'm talking about the Mother Nature every girl dreads once a month. Or in my case right now...twice a month. Last month she was several days late and I thought and hoped and prayed that it meant I wasn't going to see her for about 9 months. Instead it was a cruel joke and the bitch showed up on Christmas Eve...6 days late. To some people that might not seem like such a big deal, but for the last 6 months she's shown up on schedule every 4 weeks. After getting over the disappointment and getting back on track of trying to get rid of her for awhile, she decides to stop in this week unannounced AGAIN...less than two weeks after her last visit. WTF!!!!

So after a fairly good first week of my commitment to being healthy I'm feeling like crap, extra tired and so bloated my pants barely fit. This is why the roller coaster will never leave my life. I'm trying very, very hard to stay focused but she's not making it easy.

No more excuses...

Up and down...up and down. That's what the scale does. In and out...in and out. That's what my waist does. Lately it's only been up and out. I've never been "skinny" and that's not what my goal is. I'm just tired of feeling uncomfortable in my skin, my clothes, my body. I am at the heaviest I have ever been and I hate it. I look in the mirror and I wonder how I got here. The bad thing is that I know what to do. I know what to eat, I know how to work out. I just choose not to. I had a few bouts of accomplishment but I was usually motivated by a short term goal (vacation, class reunion, wedding) but once the goal is reached I lose my motivation. Instead of making a short term goal...I need to realize that my long term goal is to be healthy so that I can enjoy life and the family that we are hoping to start soon. I know I will need a lot of support along the way and I know I have some amazing family and friends that will give it to me.

SHOOTING FOR THE SOUL: Genny and Glen's E-Session in Cincinnati!

SHOOTING FOR THE SOUL: Genny and Glen's E-Session in Cincinnati!

Thank God it wasn't our first date...

So, Friday night was the one year anniversary of my first date with Glenn. We decided that in honor of the monumental occasion that we should go back to the scene of the crime. After we spent a little time with the puppy after work we headed up to Applebee's. We figured with it being a Friday there would be a little bit of a wait so we weren't surprised when they said it would be about 30 minutes. Right after we gave our name a couple got up from the bar so we decided to sit down and have a drink. I ordered a glass of wine and Glenn was the rebel and got water. When the bartender put the tab up we realized that it was happy hour. So we got the happy hour menu and Glenn ordered a long island and we ordered some potato skins in case it was awhile before we were seated.

About five minutes later the hostess came over to tell us our table was ready...go figure. So Glenn went to get the table and I stayed to pay the tab. I asked the bartender if he would just send our appetizer over to the table and he said no problem. We sat down and our waitress came over to greet us. We told her we had ordered and appetizer at the bar and that they were gonna bring it over. She gave us a few minutes to decide what we wanted and came back to take our order. We both decided to forget it was Friday during lent and get steaks...I know...we're horrible Catholics.

A few minutes later Glenn's salad came out and we still didn't have an appetizer. After another few minutes Glenn went up to the bar to ask the bartender what was up with our food. He sat back down and said he didn't know if the bartender had heard him cause it was so loud. Then he said he noticed the bartender go to the end of the bar where we had been sitting, grab a plate and go to the kitchen. About 30 seconds later our waitress came out with our app. Coincidence...I think not. Luckily they were still warm.

So the food came out and it smelled and looked fabulous. Glenn got a NY Strip and I got the Parmesan Shrimp Sirloin. Glenn's was slightly overcooked and about a third of the way through mine I realized that it was slightly undercooked. But it was still fabulous. As I started to cut into the last third of my steak all of that changed. I saw a huge mosquito stuck in the cheese. And you can ask Glenn...I'm not exaggerating when I say huge. I'm still not quite sure how I didn't see it until then. I think it's cause I was so distracted by my hot date!!! Luckily we were close to the restroom because I thought I was gonna puke. Luckily I didn't but I was still completely disgusted...and pissed cause up until then it was soooooooooo good. While I was in the restroom Glenn got our waitresses attention and told her what happened and the manager came over and took my plate and apologized to Glenn. Glenn had pushed his plate away but obviously the manager was an idiot and thought Glenn would want to finish eating after all of that. When I came back Glenn told me the manager was going to take my meal off. The waitress came back over and told me the same thing and brought the bill. The manager never came back over and apologized to me which is what he should have done...I worked in the restaurant industry long enough to know that.

So needless to say...not the best date ever. And luckily it wasn't our first date or I might have taken it at a bad omen and not gone on a second one. Instead, I will take it as a sign from God that we can weather any storm...but we shouldn't eat meat on Fridays!!!!!

Damn the man...

So...I finally found a medicine that was helping with my back/hip/muscle pain. It was like a miracle drug. I hadn't had any pain in my shoulders or hips in over a month. And then a new calendar year came around and my deductible started all over again. I found out my miracle drug was going to cost $185 for a month and a half supply. HOLY CRAP!!! I'm not buying crack here. Obviously that money is not available in my very thin budget. So I've had to go back to my old medicine which does very little in relieving my pain. It frustrates me to no end that I work hard, don't rely on anyone and still can't afford the basic medical things that I need. I just made the final payment on a biopsy that I had done in November of 2007. I have one payment left on the sleep study I had done a year ago. I work in the medical field so I know what things cost and what the insurance companies pay. Insurance companies make billions of dollars a year by denying necessary procedures and cutting reimbursement. Every day I see patients who have $30, $40, $50 dollar co-pays every time they see the doctor. And the same every physical therapy visit they have. This is only one small part of the medical world but our area is very rarely unnecessary. OK...I've kind of gotten off topic.

I look at my health history and wonder why I am always sick...always coming down with something. I think a lot of it stems from my sleep disorder. For those of you that don't know I was diagnosed with a sleep disorder called Non-Restorative Sleep Disorder. Basically my brain never shuts down. When we sleep our brain waves should be very minimal. Well, when I sleep my brain waves are the same as when I'm awake. So without medication I can't sleep for more than 2-3 straight hours. Every night I have to take 2 different sleeping medications in order to try and sleep through the night. Basically all they do is put me into what I call a drug-induced coma. Yes, I may not wake up til the alarm clock goes off, but I never feel rested when I wake up. Imagine going months and months without sleeping. This is what I feel like every day. And because of my crappy health insurance I can't really afford to look into other possible treatments aside from the medication. And even these aren't always approved. Because I need two different medications, my insurance will allow one but not the other. So I get the "discounted" price on one but have to pay the full price on the other. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that the insurance companies should decide what medication I should take instead of my doctor.

So my theory as to why I'm always sick is that my immune system is just so low from my body being physically exhausted all the time. Right now I have some kind of sinus infection/chest cold. I have been hacking up a lung the last two days which in turn causes my entire lower body to hurt. My back and hips hurt so bad that I was almost in tears yesterday. I am currently laying on two ice packs while I write this and just took a percocet to try and cut down some of the pain. But of course...if I needed any new medication I wouldn't be able to afford it so instead I will just suffer through it and wait for the next bump in the road to come along. I will not step down off my soap box...good day.