Retrospectively speaking...

So for starters I'm pretty sure I just invented a new word. Anyway...I was looking back over my blog and realized that about 90% of it is very negative. Now I realize when I started it that the whole point of it was giving me a forum to vent when I needed it. But I should also use it to talk about the good things in my life. I definitely believe that things happen for a reason but I usually don't realize it until several days, weeks, months even years later. Every bad thing that has happened in my life (with the exception of my grandpa passing away) has eventually led to something good. For example...if Scott had never broken up with me I wouldn't have realized that I deserved better...and then I wouldn't have started dating Peter, who although he was a great guy was not the guy for me. So I would have never moved out East and missed the midwest and wanted to move back. I would never have ended up in Cincinnati and eventually met Glenn. God has a funny plan for all of us and sometimes (ok for me almost all of the time) we just aren't patient enough to see that plan. I could cut out almost all of the stress in my life if I just realized that no matter what I do...he has a plan for me. I have really been trying lately to believe in that plan and not stress out about things that I have no control over. I get stressed out over stuff at work that I have no control over. I get stressed out about trying to have a baby which I really have very little control over. I am a worry wart!!! When something happens my brain automatically thinks of the worst case scenario. If Glenn doesn't text me when he gets to work and then I can't reach him at his desk I assume he got in an accident. That has never happened and I have no reason to think that it will happen but I still think it. So...my goal for the next few weeks is to really work on seeing the glass half full instead of half empty. Then when it's overflowing I can really celebrate!!!!!

Up and Down...

This time it's the emotional rollercoaster...not the physical one. For those that don't know (all three people who probably read this) Glenn and I are trying to get pregnant. Because of this I have had to stop taking my anti-depressants. For someone who's never had to deal with depression you cannot truly appreciate how greatly this affects your life. Besides the physical withdrawl symptoms that I experienced for the first month and a half, the emotional twists and turns are awful. My husband, God love him, is trying so hard to understand what it is I go through. And I don't help the situation because I'm not very good about talking about it. Mostly because I find it very hard to explain what it is that is going on with me. How do you explain to someone that you are in a bad mood for absolutely no reason? And half the time I know that what little thing is upsetting me at that second is not what I'm really upset about and that were I on my meds...it probably wouldn't even be a blip on the screen.

I got home from dinner with a couple of my co-workers last night and Glenn asked if I cared if he went downstairs and played some playstion for an hour. Of course not...go for it. Well one hour turned into about 2 1/2. Which is fine in reality. I do the same thing when I go down to the basement to catch up on shows. Well Kona was being extra kranky yesterday and I of course was up here by myself having to deal with him.

That's when I started to realize what my life will be like for the next 6 months once softball starts. Glenn will be playing every Sunday, Tues and Wed nights plus occassional weekend tournaments. Which is great...it's something that he loves and for the most part I love watching him. However...what it also means is that Kona becomes my full responsibility on those nights and I can't make any of my own plans because it's not fair to him. I got upset about the fact that Glenn hadn't asked my opinion about playing as much as he does and that's what was really bothering me.

But that revelation really only led to another one and this is the one that is frustrating me and upsetting me the most. Glenn's natural first reaction to my complaint is to find something for me to get involved in for me!!!!! Well it's not as easy as it sounds. My group of friends here is very small and they are spread out over several cities. Even within Cincinnati I don't really live close to any of my friends. And when I say my friends I mean pre-Glenn. Not that I don't consider Glenn's friends to be my friends, but it's a different relationship. So anyway...it basically comes down to I have nothing like his softball. I don't have that weekly outlet and I don't know what I would want it to be. I've had several invites to do things but they usually either involve drinking or excessive physical activity that my back is just not ready for.

But tonight I told him how I felt and I apologized for not doing it sooner. The reason in the past that I would have just kept it bottled up was because then I didn't have to deal with everyone's assessment of what I should do. And although nothing was necessarily "solved" out of our conversation...it did make me feel better.

So...my goal for now is to find something that I could get involved with on a non-softball night so that Glenn has to be the stay-at-home dad and see if Kona scratches him as bad as he does me!!!

Mother Nature Sucks

No...I'm not referring to the Mother Nature responsible for all the snow on the ground and the freezing temperatures. I'm talking about the Mother Nature every girl dreads once a month. Or in my case right now...twice a month. Last month she was several days late and I thought and hoped and prayed that it meant I wasn't going to see her for about 9 months. Instead it was a cruel joke and the bitch showed up on Christmas Eve...6 days late. To some people that might not seem like such a big deal, but for the last 6 months she's shown up on schedule every 4 weeks. After getting over the disappointment and getting back on track of trying to get rid of her for awhile, she decides to stop in this week unannounced AGAIN...less than two weeks after her last visit. WTF!!!!

So after a fairly good first week of my commitment to being healthy I'm feeling like crap, extra tired and so bloated my pants barely fit. This is why the roller coaster will never leave my life. I'm trying very, very hard to stay focused but she's not making it easy.

No more excuses...

Up and down...up and down. That's what the scale does. In and out...in and out. That's what my waist does. Lately it's only been up and out. I've never been "skinny" and that's not what my goal is. I'm just tired of feeling uncomfortable in my skin, my clothes, my body. I am at the heaviest I have ever been and I hate it. I look in the mirror and I wonder how I got here. The bad thing is that I know what to do. I know what to eat, I know how to work out. I just choose not to. I had a few bouts of accomplishment but I was usually motivated by a short term goal (vacation, class reunion, wedding) but once the goal is reached I lose my motivation. Instead of making a short term goal...I need to realize that my long term goal is to be healthy so that I can enjoy life and the family that we are hoping to start soon. I know I will need a lot of support along the way and I know I have some amazing family and friends that will give it to me.